Episode 90: Life Transitions

In this episode we discuss approaching and managing big life transitions

Transcript

Hello and welcome to the balanced wealth podcast. My name is Gavin DiStasi and today we’re going to talk about life transitions. As a financial advisor, we talk about life transitions quite a bit, particularly in the context of how they affect your overall financial plan. But today, I’m diving into a specific life event, and in addition to the financial aspects, I’ll be discussing some of the more philosophical parts of it as well. And the reason for this is because this isn’t some conceptual life transition we’re preparing or trying to plan for, but one that I am personally navigating right at this moment. You see, three weeks ago, we dropped off our daughter at the university of Michigan, which, since our son is a junior in college already, means, we are officially empty nesters.

Now many of you have probably already navigated this transition, and can tell me all about it, but for us this is something we’ve been looking towards for some time, and the reality has been quite jarring, to be honest.

And the reasons, I’m sure are all pretty well understood, I imagine. I mean certainly anyone with kids knows that the day they are born, your life changes forever. You spend just about every waking hour dealing with them in some shape or form. It’s intense, and at first, the act of parenting is overwhelming, but gradually, you settle into a groove, until after a while, you can hardly remember not having your life revolve around them and their schedules.

I think for many of us, it peaks at some point during the early teenage years, when the shuttling of kids around to various practices and games and birthday parties etc just gets out of hand. I mean, I remember a time when the idea of a weekend day off just seemed out of the question, and so the thought of going from that level of intensity to having absolutely no responsibility for them now, seems absurd.

Now, a couple of caveats here…first, for the purposes of convenience, I’m making broad generalizations about parenting, and I realize that everyone’s journey and dynamic is different in that regard. I also understand that we are not entirely free from responsibility now, as I’m reminded everytime I get a tuition bill, or a text message, usually asking for money. And they do come back for holidays and summertime etc. But there’s no denying that the paradigm has most certainly shifted, and the adjustment is a little tricky.

The good news is that, at least for us, we didn’t exactly go from that highest level of intensity, to where we are today. There was a little bit of an off-ramp, so to speak. First, there’s this natural tendency for the kids to start to be more independent generally, as they become teenagers. Then, if they get a driver’s license, all of the sudden, the taxi driver role starts to wane quite a bit. So it’s not like you go from having every hour of every day accounted for, to having nothing to do, but there is definitely an adjustment to make when you come home from work to just your spouse or partner each night for the first time in 20 plus years.

Now, I don’t want to get too much into the personal emotional side of what we’re going through at the moment, though that’s a huge part of all of this. But I imagine it’s also unique to each of us, and since I’m not a psychologist, and don’t have the training for it, I’ll stay away from there, but suffice it to say, there’s a lot of conversations between Tracy and I these days that start with “so what do you wanna do now”?.

And the purely financial part of it is mostly straightforward, assuming you’ve done your financial planning and have a handle on the tuition and expenses. Though, no matter how much you plan, it’s still odd to only be going to the grocery store once a month.

Instead, I want to talk a bit about the bigger picture, life planning aspect that comes along with it. Because It’s both daunting and exciting actually, thinking about what comes next. I mean on one hand, not much changes, right? I still have a business to run and need to make money and save for the future, and all that, so it’s not like I’m thinking about moving to Thailand and living on the beach. But at the same time, we do have more free time on our hands suddenly, and so the question of what we want to do with that time becomes a major part of our thought process each day.

We’ve always talked about travelling more, since that’s already something we love. And not doing it in the middle of summer with everyone else is certainly something we’re looking forward to. But you can only travel so much, and there’s this open question of what else we could be doing with our time, that’s both hard to fathom, but really enticing. A kind of open-endedness to life that just hasn’t been there for a long time.

And speaking of running off to live on the beach, one surprising thing that I think has really started to coalesce in my mind, that I really didn’t anticipate, is the idea that I just don’t think I want to retire, like maybe, ever. And It’s so strange, because I think we start out in our careers always looking towards this far off day when we can finally stop working, and so much energy gets pointed in that direction. Then, if you have kids, life gets so intense, that you start to really fantasize about giving it all up and just relaxing some day.

But a funny thing happened along the way, at least to me, and has just crystalized in my mind with our recent transition. I’ve started to wonder, what the hell am I gonna do all day if I actually retire? And I’ve had some experiences recently that have shaped my thinking on this, particularly with some folks I’ve known who have retired and deteriorated really quickly after, which I’m sure have influenced my views in this regard.

I’m also aware that events in the future could change my thoughts further here. I know a few folks who have said they intend to work for many more years, then had grandchildren and decided, ‘you know what, I think grandparent sounds like a pretty cool job for me now’, and I get that. I could definitely see myself in that position someday.

And I’m not saying I need to work 60 hours a week for the rest of my life either.

But the reality is, I like working. It keeps my mind active, allows me to solve problems and help people. It gives me purpose.

And I think that’s the crux of it right there. When your raising kids, you never wonder about what your purpose is, at least I didn’t. I was too tired, or too busy. And I have always thought the role of parent was purpose enough for anyone, or at least for me. Then, if you did your job, all of a sudden, they’re on their own, and capable of taking care of themselves. So now what gives you purpose?

Well, for me it’s my work, and spending time with Tracy, and the kids when we have the opportunity. But it could be anything really, as long as at the end of the day, you find that fulfillment which comes with doing something you’re proud of and spending time with people you love.

Now admittedly, I’m only three weeks into this transition, so my thinking could certainly change, and that’s ok. As financial planners, we spend a lot of time thinking about life transitions and talking with clients about how to approach them, though usually with an eye towards the financial side of it. But as we navigate this new period in our own lives, with some trepidation, but mostly with excitement for what’s still to come, it’s solidified the idea in my mind that as we help our clients navigate similar life transitions, it’s ever so important to step back from the nuts and bolts of it and address the big picture aspects too. And embrace that it’s ok for plans to change. Because at the end of the day, we need to try to help them not just answer questions like ‘do I have enough money’ or ‘how will we pay for this’, but to ponder questions like, “what in my life gives me purpose” and “what are we gonna do next?”